Midnight (or 3 AM) Confessions.
Breath. Do it again. Listen to the sound of it and realize that you are not dead. You’re alive. It hurts. But you’re alive.
These are some of the things that I said to myself late at night when I couldn’t think of anything else to make the night go faster. To pass it by. When it wouldn’t turn into morning so I could put on a smile, pull myself thru the day, and pretend like my heart wasn’t breaking every second of every hour.
The silliest and simplest things are often the things that we need to hear and the things that we cling to when going thru these times. Whatever those times might be. My latest big one was a divorce. A happy divorce. An amicable divorce. I mean these things happen and we must be mature right? We must try and take care of our social standings, not scream every obscenity under the sun, not feel every emotion under the moon until we just slowly pull the skin back from our faces & reveal the enormous scar left behind.
Be calm. Let go. It has to get worse before it gets better. Live in the now. The past is nothing. The future is nothing. The past is everything. The future will be better. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
I don’t know if I believed any, or all, or none of these things, but just saying them helped me make it one sleepless night after another. Maybe the sheer repetition of the words was calming. Maybe I was always going to be ok. Maybe I just needed the sound of the strongest most stubborn part of me to repeat what I so desporately wanted to be true. In any case…here I am.
I still say these things. I’ll probably repeat them until I am dead. If this doesn’t work, I advise wine and or whisky with an aspirin chaser. Hell…my doctor recommended I start drinking. (True story.) So, you’re not alone.
Breath. Do it again. Listen to the sound of it and realize that you are not dead. You’re alive. It hurts. But you’re alive.
1 Notes